Most mornings in our house follow a predictable rhythm. We wake the kids, get them dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, and rush out the door. But that Monday morning, breakfast didn’t go as planned. As I placed my stepdaughter’s plate on the table, she looked up at me with curiosity and asked, “Is being a stepmom really hard?”
Her question caught me off guard. I paused, searching for the right words. She’s only ten, so I wanted to be honest without making it too heavy. After a moment, I said, “Yes, it can be very hard, but it’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I wouldn’t trade being a stepmom for the world.”
Of course, she didn’t stop there. “What makes it so hard?” she asked next. My mind raced—there’s so much to explain, and we didn’t even have enough time before the school bell to cover it all! I could see her little wheels turning, so I braced myself for a deeper conversation.
I told her that being a stepmom can be challenging because sometimes it’s hard to know your place in the family. There are moments when the biological mom feels uncomfortable with a stepmom’s presence, and that can leave stepmoms feeling hurt or sad. I explained that most stepmoms just want to love and support their stepchildren, but that love isn’t always accepted right away. I kept it simple, leaving out the heavier parts: the anxiety I felt about my husband’s relationship with his ex, the constant worry about how to navigate boundaries, and my lack of experience with blended families.
I also didn’t mention the difficult arguments that inevitably arise between the “two sides.” There are times you want to speak your mind, but as a stepmom, you often have to hold back, managing emotions while feeling out of control. I left out the exhaustion of living a life that’s part your own and part devoted to a child who might not have been in your world otherwise. I didn’t get into the emotional toll of court proceedings, the constant explanations, defending decisions, and supporting my husband. That’s a lot for anyone to absorb, especially a ten-year-old.
She listened thoughtfully, then said, “But you and my mom are friends, so that makes it easier.” Relief washed over me. I was glad she saw our relationship positively, though I know it’s not always smooth sailing. She has never had to witness tension or hear unkind words exchanged, and that’s intentional. My husband and I work hard to shield her from any conflict. My relationship with her mother is as good as it can be in a blended family—challenging at times, yes, but ultimately grounded in mutual respect and love for our child. “Friends” isn’t quite the right word—it’s more like family. We don’t always agree, and sometimes we hurt each other, but we always find our way back to balance. My stepdaughter doesn’t see the messy parts, and that’s how we want it.
For a moment, she quietly ate her eggs and fruit. I thought the questions had stopped, but then came the hardest one: “Why did my parents break up anyway?” My mind scrambled. I began to answer, stopped, and tried again before finally saying, “You know, your parents were really young when you were born, and they tried so hard. In the end, they realized they could be better parents if they weren’t together. Both of them love you so much and made the best choice for you at the time.”
It’s a big concept for a ten-year-old, but I wanted her to understand that she is loved, no matter what. She didn’t say much after that, turning her attention to her sister, so I gently asked, “That was a lot to take in—how does it make you feel?” She shrugged and said, “It just makes me feel normal.”
Later, I sent my husband a message about our morning conversation. I hoped I’d explained things the way he would have, and he was happy with how it went. My stepdaughter has never known her parents together—they split when she was only one, and I came into her life when she was two. Yet, she thrives in what she calls her “not so normal, normal.” She feels loved, secure, and comfortable asking difficult questions, even on a hectic Monday morning. And that, more than anything, makes my heart full.
